The Feelings Within....

Anshita was sitting quietly on the couch…

Her sad eyes revealed the gloom in her heart…She was looking out into nothingness…her mind asking her heart what was wrong…and her sad heart turned his back to the mind…refusing to answer…after all, the poor heart didn’t himself know what was wrong…

Her cell beeped just then…her cousin who was her best friend had messaged her…Anshita read the message more out of habit than happiness…she typed a reply saying that she was feeling real low…but then she never pressed the ‘send’ button…she let the message stay in her mobile like the gloom in her heart…

She was feeling strange… she lay down on her bed…exhausted and tired of everything…

Why am I so upset, she thought? She was happy till some hours ago…everything felt light then...n now…a burden on her senses…she didn’t really understand herself….she smiled a sad smile…how could anyone ever understand herself if she cannot understand herself? She recalled the statement… “The difficult situations in life are not those when others don’t understand you. It is when you don’t understand yourself.”

So true….she thought…

Anshita thought she had enough of such days when she was a teenager…when she felt pangs of pain, sorrow, and happiness…indecisiveness…all brewing up together in her mind…but now all over again…what the hell was this? Why was she feeling all so low and gloomy?

Anshita realized that she would often feel happy and light in the evenings…and the total opposite in the nights and in the following mornings after she woke up…She would lay quietly on her bed thinking of all that was happening in her life…she was soon to be a graduate…but she still felt lost…She felt like time was fast rushing out of the window…and she was trying to hold those moments tightly in her fist...but they were sliding through the gaps in her fingers...and all she could do was watch hopelessly…panicking all the more…

She thought why was she so lonely…she often wondered why love was missing in her life…and then yes, she would remind herself that she had kept herself away from all that stuff…she didn’t want to be in a relationship then…she had more important matters on her mind…her studies…her career…but somehow she would still wonder why she hadn’t met someone so wonderful as to understand her and love her and still give her the space to nourish her dreams…someone to comfort her after a long day…someone she could come back to after a tiring journey…

She would think about her job profile…and she would wonder whether she had made the right decision 6 months back…she could get more lucrative offers now…but she didn’t have the patience to wait for better opportunities then…may be if she had waited, she would be flying to U.S. now…but she was stuck here…in Bangalore…

She felt like everyone was wheezing fast ahead of her…all her friends too…all they talked about was future plans these days…post graduation …career…marriage…It was a bit intimidating…like any other young girl, she had crafted her dreams very beautifully…and she strove hard to make those dreams turn to reality…but sometimes her fears and anxieties would increase so much that her heart pounded heavily…she would fear the fragile nature of the fabric in which she had woven her dreams … what if they broke? Like those pearls which slide down from the necklace? And what if she could never put them back again?

When she was her normal self, she would perfectly understand that life was meant to be this way…some ups…some downs…that no matter what…life goes on… She would write beautiful pieces of music…she would play the piano…She would go out with her friends…dance with them…come back…and sleep contentedly in the night…

But sometimes…like this one…she would be totally someone different… she would really get worked up by all her fears…she would go in hibernation mode…sit in her room quietly…even if she had to spend some time outside with friends she would become a recluse…lost in the woods of sadness and tensions…Loneliness would climb over her senses…and her nights would be immersed in all the troubles…

She thought about all the challenges life was throwing at her every single day…she also understood that all her classmates had more or less the same challenges to handle…so she would be able to handle them well…just as they were handling them…in fact, she had always been a champion…a fighter…an independent girl…that she could very well even win the race…but for now, she thought that she would be content to complete the race…no thoughts about winning for now…

Why did her life seem so topsy turvy some times? She thought about her friends to whom she could open her heart…and realized that they were really few…a realization dawned upon her…there were some true friends whom she had left behind in some blind chase...n then she had given too much importance to some who didn’t deserve half as much…n for now, she simply didn’t understand who to open up to…she had called up her cousin and best friend and he hadn’t picked up his call…(must be busy in something , she had explained to her sad heart)…she had then dialed her school time friend…she was out shopping somewhere…so Anshita didn’t get to talk to her…she had dialed her mom’s number...but then cancelled the call…deciding to keep quiet…

She got lost in her thoughts again…She thought about the decisions that she had taken for herself…she wondered if she could have done better…taking right decisions at the right time is so very crucial… she was not very confident of herself and so she was very afraid to take more decisions...for the single fear of her decisions going wrong…

She didn’t even know who to tell all this...she didn’t really want to pour out her confusion on anybody and unduly worry them…after all, everyone has their own lives to deal with...and who would like to listen to the woes of a girl who outwardly looked pretty happy? And she knew perfectly well the reactions of her parents if she ever told them of all the upheaval in her heart and mind…they would themselves panic…her mum would scold her and her dad would tell her to go and study and forget about everything else…she knew that she didn’t need any of those reactions…in fact, all she needed was someone to hold her tight…someone to hug her and reassure her that she was all very well and normal…even though she didn’t feel so at the moment…a shoulder on which she could cry without anxious questions or prying eyes…a lap in which she could lay down her head…and make herself lost in some other world…she wished her grandmother would come over…

Sigh…why was she feeling this entangled…?

Is this what they call the ‘Quarter Life Crisis’? I hope I survive it…she thought… and with that last thought…she lost consciousness and drifted to a state of mid sleep…

ANOTHER PAGE OUT OF ANUJ’S DIARY…

All that I may do…I just can’t help thinking about you…

Yesterday Night…I saw a dream…

I was standing on a building terrace…the full moon was glowing brightly…

Its crystal beauty reminding me of you…

The moonlight had bathed the entire terrace into shimmering beauty…

The terrace was covered with rose petals…perfect atmosphere…

N then…the wind blew…n I knew that you were close somewhere…

And surely when I turned back…

There you were…looking as gorgeous as ever…

Dressed in a blue evening gown…the diamonds on your necklace sparkling…

Your hair tied up in a bun…your pink cheeks blushing in the cold night…

Your million dollar smile…

My gosh…whenever I see you, I fall in love with you all over again…

You smiled…and my heart skipped a beat…

You blushed…and my heart rolled over…

You dropped your gaze…and my heart was gone…

You looked up again shyly…and I knew…

This time, I would not let you disappear..

Soft music filled the air…and my heart sang out to you…

Look into my eyes

Everything’s so nice

When you are around

I can’t hear a sound

All I hear is you

My world feels new

I’ll never let you go

Feel my heart

It beats so fast

When you hold my palm

I feel so calm

All I need is you

I hope you feel so too

I’ll never let you go

I’ll bend on my knees

Come close to me

You are my dream

That’s my life’s theme

My heart sings songs

For you alone, it longs

I’ll never let you go

Take my hand

Let’s just dance

This moment is so sweet

Let our hearts meet

Don’t be scared

I am here

I’ll never let you go

Girl, don’t have any fear

I am here

Don’t shed a tear

Let me make it clear

Whenever you’ll need me

I’ll be near

I’ll never let you go….

N then u came into my arms…

And all I remember that winds seemed to cease existing…the moon disappeared…

All I know was that you were there…and so was I….and so was love...

I had a dream last night, a strange one.

When I woke up, it left me thinking deeply.

I wish to share it with all of you so that I can sort out some things in my head. It goes as this…

It is the rainy season. You are leaving your home for a long walk…how far, you don’t really know. The sky is clear right now. You take your umbrella just in case it rains midway. The umbrella is pretty…delicate and beautiful .You are enjoying the path when you notice a kid who is playing by the roadside. You talk to him, chatting for some time. Suddenly, it starts drizzling. You open your umbrella and even ask that child to come under it so that he may not become wet. Its drizzling mildly and both of you move ahead. The kid asks you to hold the umbrella closer to him. You do…wanting to be kind.

Then the sky becomes clear again. You shut the umbrella lightly and smile as the Sun pops up again. The child and you are getting along nicely with each other… Then you realize that the Sun is becoming way too hot and unbearable…you seek shelter under your dear umbrella again. This time, the boy asks you to let him hold the umbrella saying that he can take care of it too. You give it to him not wanting to hurt him. The boy takes it for granted. Later, when you have walked further, the kid says that the umbrella is his own. He starts throwing tantrums and demands more. When you say that the umbrella is yours and not his, he starts shouting. He unexpectedly becomes very violent and breaks the umbrella. Your favorite umbrella is broken down to pieces in front of your eyes. The kid takes the stick and hits you with it. You are flabbergasted and so shocked that you become numb for a moment. But you choose to stay quiet at the moment. The child walks off, fuming and swearing. You bend down to pick up your broken umbrella with strange feelings…afraid to help even yourself. It begins pouring down heavily right then. You are shocked to think as to what you did to have this happen with you. Pushing these thoughts aside, you repair your umbrella and calm down yourself. Then you move ahead on your own, ok to be alone, trying to forget the nightmarish experience you have had.

And then after some turns ahead, the boy pops up again. he says sorry for everything he has done to you. He is genuinely sorry saying that he had been very stupid to hurt you. He promises not to hurt you ever again. Then he asks you for the umbrella again. You can see that he is very sorry…you forgive him for that. Just then another kid comes running down the road and dashes into him. He swears loudly and shouts at that child. The child runs away frightened. The boy looks back to you and desires to have the umbrella again. You do not wish to give him your umbrella….because you are afraid of it being torn again and more than that, you are afraid of being hit again...he cries when you refuse to give him. He becomes very miserable and cries too bitterly…

What should you do now? Should you stick to your decision or give him the umbrella just because he is crying….when you are thinking this………..your dream breaks…..

What do you think you should do?

P.S: I understand that the above is completely abstract. But this can happen in real life too...with much greater magnitude...Think about it...

What should you do then?

Disha....

I have a friend….

Disha…a nice sweet docile girl…comes from a very cultured and strict family…we have become pretty good friends…college does that to you…you become very good friends with people around you…

Disha is very patient and very hardworking…she has a great sense of responsibility and dedication towards everything she does…and her parents mean the world to her…she aims to complete her education and then join a job and make life happier for her parents…they are a family of modest means…her father’s health is very weak…they live a decent life…but not a luxurious one…and this very thoughtful friend of mine wishes to give all the happiness in the world to her parents…a gem of a daughter for sure…

Her parents mean everything to her…she is ready to do everything for them…she is ready to forget her love for them…

You see, she is in love with a guy…a good cultured person he is…Rahul…he loves her deeply too…they both love to spend time with each other…n would love to spend their lives too..But sadly...they know they can’t…

The Reason…Disha’s parents don’t approve of him...the only reason is that they are not of the same caste…

Disha and Rahul are childhood sweethearts…they liked each other a lot…were great friends and still are…and Disha is such a very caring and sweet girl that he had to fall for her…N when he expressed his love for her for the first time, Disha knew it was true and deep…and she expressed her feelings for him too…but they both very well knew that their caste difference would bring some problems…but they thought that maybe they would sort them out…

Rahul’s parents approve of Disha…they like her serene nature…her blend of modern progressiveness and traditional outlook…well educated…Rahul’s mother had even said that no other girl would be as good as Disha for her son…

But very sadly…Disha’s parents didn’t approve at all…the caste issue matters a lot when it comes to a girl’s family’s reputation…so they have flatly said NO …

After this, you would expect Disha to be all broken apart and in tears…but no…she is really very strong…she must have cried…but she didn’t break apart…she respects her parents way too much to ever hurt them…she knows and understands now that no matter how much she may love Rahul…she won’t be able to spend her life with him…they still meet sometimes…and spend time with each other…but both of them know that they won’t be able to marry each other…

Disha cannot hurt her parents by going against their wish…she spends whatever time she can with Rahul knowing that they will soon be separated…Rahul is also completely aware of all these things…he often prays to God that if they have to be separated, Disha stay happy and protected forever…he has also accepted his defeat after trying to convince Disha’s parents…

People often talk of love…but sometimes I just wonder...people who have not experienced love feel that they have missed out hugely on life and wait to fall in love…but how must it feel to have love in your life and know that you won’t be able to live together…?

Disha loves her parents…she is ready to do all that it takes to make her parents happy…sometimes it makes me wonder…that she is so loving and caring…if they fulfill this one most important wish of hers…she would be grateful to them the whole of her life…she would serve them with even more happiness and contentment…that a daughter deserves this from her parents…that a girl as her surely deserves her love….

Parents love their children deeply...They would love to see their daughter happy...Then the age-old customs also matter a lot for the family reputation…they also have the best interests of the family at large...

Life is indeed strange...Disha is not wrong in her place...and her parents are right in their position...

My heart reaches out to her deeply…Disha has a smile etched on her face …But I wonder how much a smile can hide…?

A page out of Anuj’s Diary

5^th Oct

Had a very pleasant day…

In fact, these days, everything feels pleasant…I feel like a different person…in a different world…everything feels dreamy and enchanting…

I feel like there is someone walking with me…smiling and blushing...and then disappearing in thin air…and when I turn back, I see the same smiling face hiding behind the pillar…looking at me and hiding herself again…I feel so light and thrilled…

When I am sitting in my classes trying to concentrate, she comes from nowhere…comes near me and sits beside me…looks into my eyes lovingly…and just when I am about to say something to her, she vanishes…

When classes get over and I set back for home, the evening breeze brings her fragrance along…it begins to drizzle…I see her face light up in ecstasy…she goes out into open…spreads out her hands and faces the sky….the raindrops falling on her face slide down beautifully…her hair begins to look misty…as she dances in the rain, I feel my heart dance with her…I absent mindedly realize that I am getting wet…but I am simply lost in cherishing her simplicity…her ravishing tenderness…

Then it begins to pour down heavily…she gets completely drenched…looks so sensuous…my heart skips a beat…the cold winds make her shiver slightly…and when I move forward to give her my umbrella…she disappears…and I am left there standing alone in the rains…

On cold mornings, when I go out for a hot cup of coffee, I see her sitting in the coffee shop…the cold has made her cheeks pink…and she looks so very cute in her pink cardigan…her innocence reminds me of a baby…her angelic eyes appeal to my soul…and then the coffee man calls me and the damsel disappears again…

When I am out with my friends, she walks into the room…dressed so beautifully…looking at me…then dropping her gaze…then smiling that very charming smile of hers… (and I feel like I’ll die)…she crosses the room and stands near the window…a sparrow comes near her...and she smiles at it…I arise from my chair intrigued by the sparrow and her…and there…she vanishes yet again…

When I go to the ice cream parlor, I suddenly notice that she is enjoying her cone of chocolate ice cream…she has that naughty gleam in her eyes…she notices me looking at her…she tucks her hair behind her ear…(why does she have to look so beautiful always…sigh!!!)…when I move a step towards her, she goes off again…

When I go to the temple on Sundays, she is there…looking so sweet…in her peacock blue kurti…her head covered…bowed in front of The Lord…her hands folded…she epitomizes serenity and calmness…I stand besides her…I gaze at her for long…her eyes are closed…she looks so pure…I bow down my head and thank God for everything…when I open my eyes after a moment…she is not there (…again)… I look at God…it feels like even he is smiling at me…at my recurrent dreams…

When I listen to music, I see her swaying her head to the rhythm of music…tapping her feet gently…I smile pleasantly looking at her…she blushes…I get up and go near her…bend down on my knees…and stretch my hand towards her…she hesitates first..then slowly places her palm in mine…her face turns pink…I stand up…and take her close to me…she blushes yet again…bewitching my senses…my heart jumps up and down in sheer joy…and like magic…she disappears again…and I realize my hands are in mid-air…I tap my head smiling at myself…

In the starry nights, when I look above from my window, I wonder if she also might be looking at the stars then…when I lie down to sleep, I keep tossing and turning for hours thinking about her…

No matter where I am or what I do, I can always sense her around…she brings happiness to my life…she brings dreams to my eyes…she brings longing for my soul…she brings sweetness along…

May be this is what they call ‘LOVE’……… J

This is my first attempt at poetry. Do tell me how it is....

Expressions of a young girl waiting for love to come in her life...

There is a belief in my heart

There is a hope still strong

That my love will surely come

I've been waiting for so long

Somewhere from a far land

Humming a merry tune

He'll come just for me

His love will be a boon

His eyes will search just me

His heart will beat for me

His soul will long for me

My love will surely come

He'll take me in his arms

He'll hold me so tight

He'll whisper sweet nothings

And make my heart light

Amongst the drizzle and sun

We'll admire the rainbow

Gazing lovingly at each other

My eyes will drop so low

In the starry nights in meadows

When the breeze will blow

We'll hold hands together

Eternal happiness will flow....

A LETTER TO A BROTHER FROM A SISTER

Dear Brother,

I know life is being hard at the moment. There are a number of a things that might be bothering you…All I want to say is that have faith, all this will end too…There are certain things that I ve learnt from life…I wish to share them with you…not like a sermon but rather like an afternoon chat…

Life is strangely familiar and familiarly strange…It’s full of compromises and choices…You don’t get to choose your family or the surroundings in which you were born and grew up…You don’t get to choose your siblings and parents…but you do get to choose your friends…you do get to choose your attitude…you do get to choose the path on which to walk for the rest of life…and most important you do get to choose your attitude towards all that happens with you. Things happen once when they physically take place in reality and over and over again when we think about them in our minds…So it’s best to choose a healthy positive attitude towards all that happens…to find that one good thing even in worst scenarios and focus on that…so that when your mind replays the sequence of events in life, you have a good feeling… that you have learnt from the situations…there is something good in even bad situations no matter how bleak they may seem to be…there is something to be learnt in all the struggles that life gives to us…more often than not, it takes courage to be able to see and sustain that good…it is not possible for the weak hearted…Whenever you feel that life is being very, very unfair to you, remind yourself that someone has already faced that particular situation and come out of it victorious…that someone may be from some other country, some other time, a total stranger…or maybe someone you know, someone close, may be your own friend, your own sibling, your own family…the main point is that you are most probably not alone in facing the blues of life…and in fact, if life ever poses such a unique situation before you which nobody else has ever encountered, what more joy than conquering it for the first time in human history?

There may be times when nobody might believe in you…including your friends, your siblings and your parents…there may be times when the world might challenge your capabilities in a harsh way…the crucial thing which will take you to victory is belief in yourself…no matter what happens, never cease to believe in yourself…Keep the fire of spirit ‘I CAN’ alive in your heart no matter what…because in the end, we all are what we think of ourselves to be….

Amongst the many people in your life, there might be a few who care for you…but fail to understand you…they may not understand your deep emotions, your true grain…learn to live with these people and care for them too…And then, there may be people who understand you…but don’t really love you or care for you…Learn to identify such people and learn from them as much as you can…another important thing, don’t house too many bad feelings for anyone…Life is really too short to waste in hatred…If something disturbs you deeply, instead of letting it turn into despise and hatred, turn that into a fire, a passion to change that…Life is colorless without passion…so have a deep rooted passion…

There will be times when your own friends might turn into foes…so place your trust in people with due care…talk to many, but speak only to a few…and avoid discussing your personal matters with people outside your immediate family and your close group of trusted people…

There are all kinds of people in the world…and each of them can teach you something...Don’t miss the chance to learn from them…Don’t necessarily make them your friends…because not all people deserve your friendship… last of all those who give out negative energy...Stay away from negative influences…but every living being deserves humanity from you…You owe a responsibility to this world of ours…Go out and do some good…Then you can be truly proud of yourself…

Surround yourself with good, happy and motivated people…Surround yourself with great music, great books and great friends…Let your room be filled with books and soft music…Understand that nature is the best soother…and Time the ultimate healer…Give time time…Life is not all bad…in fact for most part its beautiful…and smile is the best ornament that can adorn man…

There are various treasures waiting to be found…there a million pebbles of knowledge on the shore of wisdom…Go ahead and explore them… Believe in life but most importantly, believe in yourself…

And remember this one thing…consider me more as your friend than your elder sister…I believe you have all the abilities to live a very fruitful and enjoyable life...

I have jotted above certain things that have helped me…see if you can use them too…

Take care, my brother…

So here I am…after a long time…

Exams were goin on...n today they are finally over….

N it’s such a relief…J

Today while completing my last answer in the answer sheet, I was feeling ecstatic…I am supposed to be older and mature…but somehow even today, the end of exams creates a sense of joy and exhilaration within…Its like u r free after such a long time…Even though the semester is usually filled with loads of fun, the exams time really do test your patience and perseverance. So today after a long ordeal (J)of 1 month(including PL guysJ), today is a wonderful day of relaxation…and in some way, an achievement. Although passing out from 3^rd year should have made me feel a bit older I don’t feel such serious things at all today..

In fact, after a long time, I am feeling like a small kid…a kid who was feeling tired of the exams and when the exams are finally over, a wonderful sense of freedom has set in…I am feeling like a free bird…n I enjoyed it completely…went for a movie with my wonderful friends…had a sumptuous dinner with yummy cold coffee…add to it ringing and carefree laughter…the sense of joy that comes when you are with your favorite people …sharing and laughing and chatting…pulling each other’s legs…it’s the feeling of complete ecstasy…

Somehow this also makes me feel that these are probably the happiest days of my life…and with a strange realization that completing 3^rd year means I have just a year more to spend here in this place and surrounding…but these thoughts make me feel a bit too nostalgic…n sad…so I really don’t want to think about how will it feel when it will finally end…

For now, I am really happy that I am done with 3 years of engineering…pretty happily(J)…learning a lot in this process…n there is a wonderful year coming up too…with new challenges and things to be done…and it’s just some weeks before everyone will be speaking about placements, companies, packages, project and so on…

For today, the only thing that matters is this sense of relief and peace combined with bliss…that yeah, life isn’t tied with a bow, but it is a wonderful gift…and cherishing is really worth it…J

College Life…..

It is the golden period of youth.

Complete with intense emotions, learning experiences and fun….

Although getting up early(!!!) to attend the college at 9 am sharp is a real pain in the neck, still there are more joys than sorrows in college. Getting ready for the classes in 10 min when late, grabbing a wadapav at siddhivinayak’s, running up the staircases and then running down again remembering that its practicals then…the rush in college around 9 is interesting. Then the lectures themselves…in which the students are more interested in their own work rather than on the slideshows by the teachers….lectures actually bring out the poets and artists out of ordinary students;-).girls draw designs and the guys write poetry on the backpage of the registers….the Shakespeares and Michaelengelos of our college bloom in the classrooms! Well, the pracs are much more tiring than the lectures…scratching our heads over the codes, pointers and errors (ENTC people are busy with power supply and 5v DC). So many subjects, lectures, practicals, teachers ….college life has its own share of troubles and tensions. Being late for the classes, low attendance, defaulter’s list all add up to the tension. We relieve ourselves by gathering near the post office and in front of our audi after college gets over, enjoying the special ‘cutting’ chai at vaishali or an occasional cold coffee, making plans of class trips on weekends and Thursdays to forget our worries….

The social gathering that we have –ADDICTION adds more excitement and charges us up. The technical festival INC brings out the techies out….students play the role of organizers efficiently….After the technical event come a series of deadlines to be followed….The most major tensions are those of extra assignments, completion of files and submissions-the most critical period of engineering life!

Finally, the Preparation leave(which is usually spent as planning leave!) is one of the most interesting periods in the semester….sitting long hours in the library with no distinction left between day and night, eating maggi of Richie Rich at 2 am, ’pohe’ of Teaspot at 5.30, helping each other out….n finally the mains, praying fervently to God for an easy exam, staying up all night before the exam, tension levels rising before each exam and falling after it ends n jubilation after the semester is finally over…. the anxious fear of the results, the long waiting period on the rajpath on the D-day n finally the results themselves….college life gives us so many colors to paint our lives with…

N more than this, it’s the loveliest time of youth….college life gives us the happiest moments ever….living in hostel, late night discussions, movies, waking up when the Sun is overhead….going out with friends on weekends and holidays, exploring nature, clicking pictures and uploading them on facebook, commenting on each other’s status, celebrating birthdays in the most unusual and hilarious ways, birthday bashes, parties, life is so much exciting and fantastic.

The friendships which we develop here become an inseparable part of our life. From being together to sharing our deepest desires and secrets, we learn more about ourselves in the journey. Helping each other, being there for each other, being a shoulder when your friend is in sorrow, friendship adds so many colors to the picture of life. The first crush, waiting for that special someone, the cute guy in the parking, that gracious girl near the library….some of them are lucky enough to find true and faithful love.

From talking about silly things, movies, music, gossips, ‘most recent’ crushes, teasing each other, hook ups, laughing over stupid jokes till your stomach aches to everything and anything that one can imagine….life is so beautiful here. Its like a complete bliss-with almost no responsibilities(except studies) with complete freedom to live life king size ….pursuing our own interests, giving time to all preferences we have, serious discussions over future plans, preparation for future entrance exams, carving out our destiny….college life brings out the best out of everybody….

Time simply flies….for me, right now its hard to believe that almost 3 years are over and only a year is left of this eccentric experience. I wish to live all those moments again…..

I am in complete love with my college life....

Life is a constant learning experience…

Life in Pune has taught me a lot…or more accurately, the last three years have been very crucial to my learning process….n I m not talking only in terms of bookish knowledge, I am talking about LIFE….

A new city, a new atmosphere, new surroundings, new people….

A new beginning…..that is what Pune gave to me 3 years ago…

Arranging my belongings with my mother in the hostel room, I remember saying to myself that the not-so-large room was going to be my home for the next four years…when my mother tearfully waved a goodbye on the hostel gate, I knew it was the first time that I was completely alone… I learnt the value of mom-made food…I learnt the value of my mother’s care and affection…the mountain-strong support of my dad…the fun filled moments with my brother….I learnt that home is the best place on earth…I missed home…

But then slowly, loneliness started wearing out when I got to meet my roommates and other freshers who were in the same emotional state as I was… though in various degrees of sadness….Slowly, our friendship blossomed….and then I learnt to adjust myself to the new surroundings…

I got to learn some very important lessons of life…It is not necessary to be perfect…and it is ok to make mistakes. It is ok if I don’t possess enchanting beauty….I understood that I might not be very beautiful but then I learnt that every girl is charming in her own ways….because beauty is skin-deep..it is about your values and emotions…n that a genuine smile is much more effective than make up….a pleasant smile is what wins friends… that simplicity is more charming than false pretences….its care and affection that matters most in relationships in life…

I got to learn that everybody is talented in their own way….each one of us however ordinary is special in some aspect of life….not everybody might be a super achiever in the eyes of the whole world, but they all possess some good qualities….each person is a winner in their own life…everybody has their problems to handle and they all are champions….so I learnt that each person I meet can teach me something important….though they may not necessarily be my friends….

Here, I learnt that being happy and relaxed is the most fundamental need of human life….n also that happiness is not a one-time victory, it is a battle to be won every day against the challenges that life brings with itself…..that happiness is the essence of success and prosperity…one cannot be truly successful if one is not happy….

I learnt some very crucial things about happiness…that happiness is a state of mind…it is one of the truths of life that we are as happy as we imagine ourselves to be…. But we are earthly beings and to be happy, we need basic things, some fundamental necessities….a happy family life, a decent income, love and a sense of belonging….that money is important for happiness…how important is a personal matter…that money may not be at the 1^st position in life…but it is far ahead of the second place….

I learnt about friendships…that friendship is a very important part of teenage life...that friends influence us the most in this phase….they help you out in troubling times…friendship adds various colors to the palette of life…and with another lesson…that friendship has its own expectations…that each of us expects friends to be supportive in times of need….n that even trifle things when piled up do hurt a lot…that sometimes even the most bosom friends can hurt each other very badly…

N the wise thing is to take all these things in stride…that not to let minor things hurt you so badly that you end lovely friendships…that to have expectations from people who hold an important place in your life but one should be able to take care of self if they are not fulfilled…That everybody in life is going to hurt you at some point or other …it is up to us to decide to be unhappy or happy….

I also learnt that tension can never solve problems. It only adds up to the worries. That tension can never produce anything beneficial. Either every problem has a solution, so there is no need to worry about it. Or if there is no solution, then there is absolutely no point in worrying…

That there are some problems in life which do not have a solution… n life is not always fair. And we need to adapt to the sudden changes that life poses….that it is ok if we become tired in the long road to our destination…that we need to move on after taking rest…that sometimes in life, all things may go out of control..That it is ok to cry at times…and to remember that tears should give us the strength to pursue life again…that to succeed, we need to first believe in our capability …because success finally comes to the man who believes he can…

The most important lesson is that time is the most precious resource available to us. Youth is the most replenishing period of life. These years embark the journey of life. Nothing can ever replace hard work. It’s the time when we should be serious about our ambitions and endeavors. Communicating with others, listening to different opinions, analyzing them and then taking our own decisions….these are things that matter throughout life.

Life itself is very precious….and there are some ideals that are more precious than life…they become passions…passion for a noble cause…such a passion gives a meaning to our existence…

The MOST important lesson that I learnt is to treasure life…Life is the most beautiful gift that we have...and never to take life for granted…because every day is a precious gift and we should cherish it….because no moment can ever be brought back….

Life is a constant learning process…

And we will all continue learning in the coming years….

My Grandma…

They call mother’s mother Grandmother in English….but I call her Nanima …so everybody who is reading this will know now that “Nanima” means “MY Grandma”.

My Nanima resembles her name “SurajDevi”….she is the brightest star in constellation of my life…she is somebody whom I love deeply and look upon as a source of inspiration. Today I wish to write down about her. As I write this, I remember her beautiful smile, her deep wise eyes, her caressing hands….

Nanima was born in a small village called ‘Bhatkuli’ in the region of Vidarbha. Fate hit her hard soon after birth. She lost her mother in a week’s duration after she was born. Nanima could never see her mother long enough to even remember her mother’s face, her mother’s touch…she grew up without her mother with her elder sister. Her father remarried and they became a family of two daughters and seven brothers. Nanima grew up in miserable conditions of extreme poverty and lack of necessities of life. Living in a cramped room with a single mattress in the house for their father, the same soap for bathing and washing hair, the days were bleak. Nanima says that those days taught her how to live happily even in difficult situations...that she learnt how important and precious hard-earned money is. She says that those days shaped her to prepare for the struggles that come in life.

But slowly their condition improved. But destiny was still not in her favor. Her schooling was stopped when she was in 4^th standard due to the restrictions on girls in society in that period even though she was a bright student. She stayed at home and took care of household chores. At the young age of 9 years, she used to make meals for a family of 11 family members and guests. She learnt the art of embroidery from her neighboring aunties in return of helping them out in their household chores. Her teenage made her a beauty to look at. She was soon married at the tender age of 16 to my Nanaji (Grandpa), a very handsome and able young man of his times….and she became Mrs. SurajDevi Hanumandas Kakani. And like for every girl in this country, that was a huge turning point in her life. She became the younger daughter-in-law of the prestigious Kakani Family who had a big mansion and a grand family. Kakani Family was a joint family like all other prestigious Marwari families and my Nanima worked and served all elders to become one of the mot loved (read ‘accepted’) daughter-in-law by her dedication towards all her family members, the love she bestowed on all the younger siblings of Nanaji, following all the traditions of her family (which included not speaking to elders, keeping a veil over her face every time, being sweet, docile and disciplined). She woke up at 4 in the morning, milked cows, prepared tea for elders ,hot milk for the younger ones, swept the house, cleaned it well, the ‘pooja’ ceremony, woke up everybody on their respective times, packed tiffins for so many children who went to school, breakfast for all elders, kept clothes washed and ironed for everybody, medicines of her father-in-law in place, his warm water ready, then made lunch for entire family and served everyone hot, then took care of so many guests who would visit their mansion ,then dinner for everybody , late night chores in the kitchen, go to sleep well after 11 pm….and still have her enchanting smile on her face all the time….. She was a miracle woman…

My Nanima proved to be a wonderful wife to Nanaji….Nanaji recalls that his wife always supported him in all that he did, provided him nutrition for body, soul and heart. And she continues to be so more even now….she stood by him when there were ups and downs in his business…maintained all household chores with her savings relieving her husband of many worries, taking care of his health, house and happiness more than she ever took care of herself.

She was an ideal daughter-in-law. She served her ailing mother- in-law for long years when she had become so weak that she couldn’t even get up for even the basic chores of humans. She was a selfless and dedicated nurse to her mother-in-law.

Her life was blessed with her first child, Vandana who is my mother….then came Rajashri and 2 years later, she had twins-she named them Deepak and Jyoti. Thus she has 3 daughters and 1 son. My mother is the eldest of them all. She was an exemplary mother to all her kids. She never differentiated between her daughters and son. She encouraged them to study hard... Her daughters learned the fine art of cooking and embroidery from their mother. She taught them values of honesty, love, dedication, strength to fight for what is right, humility, respect for elders, respect for traditions of Marwari culture and equality of all religions. She was a strict disciplinarian in terms of rules that had to be followed in the house. Humble speech, coming home in time, ideal friends, knowing the difference between right and wrong and strong will power. Under her guidance and support, all her children went on to become graduates which was very rare in those times. My mother is a science graduate, my mum’s sisters are doctor and a teacher respectively and my mum’s brother is a lawyer. In tune to those times, even my mother was married at the young age of 21. Even her siblings were married at around the same age.

Her teachings to her daughters have made them wonderful wives and daughters-in-law in their respective families in which my Nanima is always appreciated as an ideal woman. My mother’s best friend is her mother and she draws inspiration from her mother and so, she is a wonderful mother.

N me, I m her eldest granddaughter and (I know that) I hold a very important and loved place in her life. My mother could not be with me when I was very young due to unavoidable problems. So she left me at Nanima’s place. My Nanima named me “Ranu”…Practically, Nanima has raised me. I remember seeing her face the first thing on waking up. She woke me up gingerly, caressed me with her hands, and gave me hot milk in the ‘special’ mug she had brought for her granddaughter. She brought me many toys-small and large to play with. I used to play in the kitchen beside her. She used to talk to me the whole day. She answered all my questions of ‘why is the sky blue, Nanima’, ‘who is God, Nanima?’ and all such ‘whys’ , ‘whats’ and ‘hows’. I was the apple of her eye. She was the 1^st person to see me crawl…then taking my first steps…they say I was her 5^th child…;) my masis and mamaji loved me a lot too…they took care of me all the time…at age 2, I caught a rare disease in which the whole body develops swellings… in which blood accumulates and swells become huge. Then they burst and blood in body goes on diminishing at an astounding rate. It’s a disease in which out of a million, 1 kid survives. My Nanima, Nanaji, my parents were deeply devastated. Everybody prayed fervently to God. My Nanima was the only 1 who had the courage to wipe my red blood with cotton every day. No doctor could help my condition. I was almost on the brink of death when she fought with destiny to save me. God must have been defeated by her when he sent a doctor to us who could finally cure me.

As I gradually grew up, she taught me small games. She n Nanaji played with me. They told me wonderful stories at bedtime. She taught me to respect elders and all the customs of a proper Marwari girl. She developed in me a curious inquisition about everything. I used to ask Nanima and Nanaji innumerable questions and they patiently answered my questions. They never scolded me for asking all sorts of questions. At school, I loved everything …I topped in my classes. My grandparents adored me. They used to bring a special sweet box…Nanima would prepare my favorite dish….they made me feel special and so much loved all the time…I would sit with Nanaji in his shop and recite tables there…Nanaji would teach me Math and Science there..Nanima took my Hindi and Marathi lessons…they brought me my own blackboard and chalk pieces…I lived with them 4 days a week….the remaining with my parents...(we lived in the same city)I was always loved and caressed by Nanima n Nanaji, I must be the luckiest granddaughter ever…..

Nanima taught me how to cook…I knew how to prepare vegetables at the age of 9. And dear Nanaji would eat them and praise my “skills”…I don’t know how their store of love never vanquished. Nanima brought me ear rings, she brought me sandals, and she bought me so many things. She encouraged me to do all that I loved…she hosted my birthday parties…I used to eat lunch when she fed me with her hands…we watched ‘Mowgli’ together. She knew all my friends…she knew the things I was afraid of…she protected me when mom would get unreasonably angry with me…even Nanaji would never let Mum scold me… they always said that all that a child needs is love...teach her lovingly and she will learn…I was always their ‘special’ child… later on, they had other grandchildren, my siblings and cousins…but I was the most ‘loved’ one…

Years passed gradually…whenever I topped in my exams, Nanima and Nanaji were the happiest people on Earth. They would never get tired of telling everybody how lovely and intelligent ( J) their granddaughter was…In times of sadness and dilemmas, I could always cry in my Nanima’s lap…she had the magical power to make me happy...she would take me with her in her own temple and tell me to trust God…and she held me tight in her hug..N I felt safe from everything…she is a symbol of safety and security to me.

She supported me whole heartedly when I wished to study out of my hometown…she even convinced my father who was a bit apprehensive of it. Its 3 years now that I am away from home, I miss Nanima and Nanaji the most. They call me each Sunday to ask me how I am...they always know when my exams are due and when my health is not very fine…whenever I visit home, I love to be with them. Nanima is a wonderful grandmother to all her grandchildren and I suppose I am the luckiest oneJ.

When Nanaji got a paralysis attack in 2003 at the age of, everyone was devastated. She stood bravely in those times with Nanaji and took complete care of him. The attack being very powerful left my Nanaji disabled. The steady flow of income reduced to nothing. Nanima didn’t lose her courage. She braved those bleak and difficult days, unwavering and strong willed. She herself sold some of their legitimate property, learnt to manage the economic resources and supported my Nanaji who was emotionally devastated. She is an epitome of courage. She believed in goodness of life and trusted God. Today she is independent and supports her husband perfectly. She has proved that a woman is a source of unending strength. She is the perfect wife... been with Nanaji in all phases ever smiling...Even today, she welcomes all her relatives, children and grandchildren with open arms and a free heart and serves everybody selflessly. She lights up lamps with enthusiasm in Diwali every year. Her zeal and passion towards life can put a million teenage girls behind. My Nanima belongs to the old generation bit she is ever keen to learn new things. Recently, when we gifted her a mobile, she made me teach all the basic features on the very day itself. She is always keen about my progress in studies, about new things that I keep learning. She loves to read the newspaper and in touch with all that is happening in world. I plan to teach her how to operate a computer this time I go home.

My Nanima could not get the opportunity to complete her studies. But she is more skilled than an MBA in finance in managing economics when life forced her to learn those in her late phase of life, she is more talented than an engineer because she has managed her household so well for the past ----years of her married life, she is our household doctor..knows all her ayurvedic concoctions well…she is more efficient than 5 event managers put together. My Nanima is incredible…there is no one in this world like her.

Nanima, I truly respect you for all that you are…

I might not have said it but…

I love you so much… I must be the luckiest granddaughter ever….