The Feelings Within....
Anshita was sitting quietly on the couch…
Her sad eyes revealed the gloom in her heart…She was looking out into nothingness…her mind asking her heart what was wrong…and her sad heart turned his back to the mind…refusing to answer…after all, the poor heart didn’t himself know what was wrong…
Her cell beeped just then…her cousin who was her best friend had messaged her…Anshita read the message more out of habit than happiness…she typed a reply saying that she was feeling real low…but then she never pressed the ‘send’ button…she let the message stay in her mobile like the gloom in her heart…
She was feeling strange… she lay down on her bed…exhausted and tired of everything…
Why am I so upset, she thought? She was happy till some hours ago…everything felt light then...n now…a burden on her senses…she didn’t really understand herself….she smiled a sad smile…how could anyone ever understand herself if she cannot understand herself? She recalled the statement… “The difficult situations in life are not those when others don’t understand you. It is when you don’t understand yourself.”
So true….she thought…
Anshita thought she had enough of such days when she was a teenager…when she felt pangs of pain, sorrow, and happiness…indecisiveness…all brewing up together in her mind…but now all over again…what the hell was this? Why was she feeling all so low and gloomy?
Anshita realized that she would often feel happy and light in the evenings…and the total opposite in the nights and in the following mornings after she woke up…She would lay quietly on her bed thinking of all that was happening in her life…she was soon to be a graduate…but she still felt lost…She felt like time was fast rushing out of the window…and she was trying to hold those moments tightly in her fist...but they were sliding through the gaps in her fingers...and all she could do was watch hopelessly…panicking all the more…
She thought why was she so lonely…she often wondered why love was missing in her life…and then yes, she would remind herself that she had kept herself away from all that stuff…she didn’t want to be in a relationship then…she had more important matters on her mind…her studies…her career…but somehow she would still wonder why she hadn’t met someone so wonderful as to understand her and love her and still give her the space to nourish her dreams…someone to comfort her after a long day…someone she could come back to after a tiring journey…
She would think about her job profile…and she would wonder whether she had made the right decision 6 months back…she could get more lucrative offers now…but she didn’t have the patience to wait for better opportunities then…may be if she had waited, she would be flying to U.S. now…but she was stuck here…in Bangalore…
She felt like everyone was wheezing fast ahead of her…all her friends too…all they talked about was future plans these days…post graduation …career…marriage…It was a bit intimidating…like any other young girl, she had crafted her dreams very beautifully…and she strove hard to make those dreams turn to reality…but sometimes her fears and anxieties would increase so much that her heart pounded heavily…she would fear the fragile nature of the fabric in which she had woven her dreams … what if they broke? Like those pearls which slide down from the necklace? And what if she could never put them back again?
When she was her normal self, she would perfectly understand that life was meant to be this way…some ups…some downs…that no matter what…life goes on… She would write beautiful pieces of music…she would play the piano…She would go out with her friends…dance with them…come back…and sleep contentedly in the night…
But sometimes…like this one…she would be totally someone different… she would really get worked up by all her fears…she would go in hibernation mode…sit in her room quietly…even if she had to spend some time outside with friends she would become a recluse…lost in the woods of sadness and tensions…Loneliness would climb over her senses…and her nights would be immersed in all the troubles…
She thought about all the challenges life was throwing at her every single day…she also understood that all her classmates had more or less the same challenges to handle…so she would be able to handle them well…just as they were handling them…in fact, she had always been a champion…a fighter…an independent girl…that she could very well even win the race…but for now, she thought that she would be content to complete the race…no thoughts about winning for now…
Why did her life seem so topsy turvy some times? She thought about her friends to whom she could open her heart…and realized that they were really few…a realization dawned upon her…there were some true friends whom she had left behind in some blind chase...n then she had given too much importance to some who didn’t deserve half as much…n for now, she simply didn’t understand who to open up to…she had called up her cousin and best friend and he hadn’t picked up his call…(must be busy in something , she had explained to her sad heart)…she had then dialed her school time friend…she was out shopping somewhere…so Anshita didn’t get to talk to her…she had dialed her mom’s number...but then cancelled the call…deciding to keep quiet…
She got lost in her thoughts again…She thought about the decisions that she had taken for herself…she wondered if she could have done better…taking right decisions at the right time is so very crucial… she was not very confident of herself and so she was very afraid to take more decisions...for the single fear of her decisions going wrong…
She didn’t even know who to tell all this...she didn’t really want to pour out her confusion on anybody and unduly worry them…after all, everyone has their own lives to deal with...and who would like to listen to the woes of a girl who outwardly looked pretty happy? And she knew perfectly well the reactions of her parents if she ever told them of all the upheaval in her heart and mind…they would themselves panic…her mum would scold her and her dad would tell her to go and study and forget about everything else…she knew that she didn’t need any of those reactions…in fact, all she needed was someone to hold her tight…someone to hug her and reassure her that she was all very well and normal…even though she didn’t feel so at the moment…a shoulder on which she could cry without anxious questions or prying eyes…a lap in which she could lay down her head…and make herself lost in some other world…she wished her grandmother would come over…
Sigh…why was she feeling this entangled…?
Is this what they call the ‘Quarter Life Crisis’? I hope I survive it…she thought… and with that last thought…she lost consciousness and drifted to a state of mid sleep…
