The Feelings Within....

Anshita was sitting quietly on the couch…

Her sad eyes revealed the gloom in her heart…She was looking out into nothingness…her mind asking her heart what was wrong…and her sad heart turned his back to the mind…refusing to answer…after all, the poor heart didn’t himself know what was wrong…

Her cell beeped just then…her cousin who was her best friend had messaged her…Anshita read the message more out of habit than happiness…she typed a reply saying that she was feeling real low…but then she never pressed the ‘send’ button…she let the message stay in her mobile like the gloom in her heart…

She was feeling strange… she lay down on her bed…exhausted and tired of everything…

Why am I so upset, she thought? She was happy till some hours ago…everything felt light then...n now…a burden on her senses…she didn’t really understand herself….she smiled a sad smile…how could anyone ever understand herself if she cannot understand herself? She recalled the statement… “The difficult situations in life are not those when others don’t understand you. It is when you don’t understand yourself.”

So true….she thought…

Anshita thought she had enough of such days when she was a teenager…when she felt pangs of pain, sorrow, and happiness…indecisiveness…all brewing up together in her mind…but now all over again…what the hell was this? Why was she feeling all so low and gloomy?

Anshita realized that she would often feel happy and light in the evenings…and the total opposite in the nights and in the following mornings after she woke up…She would lay quietly on her bed thinking of all that was happening in her life…she was soon to be a graduate…but she still felt lost…She felt like time was fast rushing out of the window…and she was trying to hold those moments tightly in her fist...but they were sliding through the gaps in her fingers...and all she could do was watch hopelessly…panicking all the more…

She thought why was she so lonely…she often wondered why love was missing in her life…and then yes, she would remind herself that she had kept herself away from all that stuff…she didn’t want to be in a relationship then…she had more important matters on her mind…her studies…her career…but somehow she would still wonder why she hadn’t met someone so wonderful as to understand her and love her and still give her the space to nourish her dreams…someone to comfort her after a long day…someone she could come back to after a tiring journey…

She would think about her job profile…and she would wonder whether she had made the right decision 6 months back…she could get more lucrative offers now…but she didn’t have the patience to wait for better opportunities then…may be if she had waited, she would be flying to U.S. now…but she was stuck here…in Bangalore…

She felt like everyone was wheezing fast ahead of her…all her friends too…all they talked about was future plans these days…post graduation …career…marriage…It was a bit intimidating…like any other young girl, she had crafted her dreams very beautifully…and she strove hard to make those dreams turn to reality…but sometimes her fears and anxieties would increase so much that her heart pounded heavily…she would fear the fragile nature of the fabric in which she had woven her dreams … what if they broke? Like those pearls which slide down from the necklace? And what if she could never put them back again?

When she was her normal self, she would perfectly understand that life was meant to be this way…some ups…some downs…that no matter what…life goes on… She would write beautiful pieces of music…she would play the piano…She would go out with her friends…dance with them…come back…and sleep contentedly in the night…

But sometimes…like this one…she would be totally someone different… she would really get worked up by all her fears…she would go in hibernation mode…sit in her room quietly…even if she had to spend some time outside with friends she would become a recluse…lost in the woods of sadness and tensions…Loneliness would climb over her senses…and her nights would be immersed in all the troubles…

She thought about all the challenges life was throwing at her every single day…she also understood that all her classmates had more or less the same challenges to handle…so she would be able to handle them well…just as they were handling them…in fact, she had always been a champion…a fighter…an independent girl…that she could very well even win the race…but for now, she thought that she would be content to complete the race…no thoughts about winning for now…

Why did her life seem so topsy turvy some times? She thought about her friends to whom she could open her heart…and realized that they were really few…a realization dawned upon her…there were some true friends whom she had left behind in some blind chase...n then she had given too much importance to some who didn’t deserve half as much…n for now, she simply didn’t understand who to open up to…she had called up her cousin and best friend and he hadn’t picked up his call…(must be busy in something , she had explained to her sad heart)…she had then dialed her school time friend…she was out shopping somewhere…so Anshita didn’t get to talk to her…she had dialed her mom’s number...but then cancelled the call…deciding to keep quiet…

She got lost in her thoughts again…She thought about the decisions that she had taken for herself…she wondered if she could have done better…taking right decisions at the right time is so very crucial… she was not very confident of herself and so she was very afraid to take more decisions...for the single fear of her decisions going wrong…

She didn’t even know who to tell all this...she didn’t really want to pour out her confusion on anybody and unduly worry them…after all, everyone has their own lives to deal with...and who would like to listen to the woes of a girl who outwardly looked pretty happy? And she knew perfectly well the reactions of her parents if she ever told them of all the upheaval in her heart and mind…they would themselves panic…her mum would scold her and her dad would tell her to go and study and forget about everything else…she knew that she didn’t need any of those reactions…in fact, all she needed was someone to hold her tight…someone to hug her and reassure her that she was all very well and normal…even though she didn’t feel so at the moment…a shoulder on which she could cry without anxious questions or prying eyes…a lap in which she could lay down her head…and make herself lost in some other world…she wished her grandmother would come over…

Sigh…why was she feeling this entangled…?

Is this what they call the ‘Quarter Life Crisis’? I hope I survive it…she thought… and with that last thought…she lost consciousness and drifted to a state of mid sleep…

ANOTHER PAGE OUT OF ANUJ’S DIARY…

All that I may do…I just can’t help thinking about you…

Yesterday Night…I saw a dream…

I was standing on a building terrace…the full moon was glowing brightly…

Its crystal beauty reminding me of you…

The moonlight had bathed the entire terrace into shimmering beauty…

The terrace was covered with rose petals…perfect atmosphere…

N then…the wind blew…n I knew that you were close somewhere…

And surely when I turned back…

There you were…looking as gorgeous as ever…

Dressed in a blue evening gown…the diamonds on your necklace sparkling…

Your hair tied up in a bun…your pink cheeks blushing in the cold night…

Your million dollar smile…

My gosh…whenever I see you, I fall in love with you all over again…

You smiled…and my heart skipped a beat…

You blushed…and my heart rolled over…

You dropped your gaze…and my heart was gone…

You looked up again shyly…and I knew…

This time, I would not let you disappear..

Soft music filled the air…and my heart sang out to you…

Look into my eyes

Everything’s so nice

When you are around

I can’t hear a sound

All I hear is you

My world feels new

I’ll never let you go

Feel my heart

It beats so fast

When you hold my palm

I feel so calm

All I need is you

I hope you feel so too

I’ll never let you go

I’ll bend on my knees

Come close to me

You are my dream

That’s my life’s theme

My heart sings songs

For you alone, it longs

I’ll never let you go

Take my hand

Let’s just dance

This moment is so sweet

Let our hearts meet

Don’t be scared

I am here

I’ll never let you go

Girl, don’t have any fear

I am here

Don’t shed a tear

Let me make it clear

Whenever you’ll need me

I’ll be near

I’ll never let you go….

N then u came into my arms…

And all I remember that winds seemed to cease existing…the moon disappeared…

All I know was that you were there…and so was I….and so was love...

I had a dream last night, a strange one.

When I woke up, it left me thinking deeply.

I wish to share it with all of you so that I can sort out some things in my head. It goes as this…

It is the rainy season. You are leaving your home for a long walk…how far, you don’t really know. The sky is clear right now. You take your umbrella just in case it rains midway. The umbrella is pretty…delicate and beautiful .You are enjoying the path when you notice a kid who is playing by the roadside. You talk to him, chatting for some time. Suddenly, it starts drizzling. You open your umbrella and even ask that child to come under it so that he may not become wet. Its drizzling mildly and both of you move ahead. The kid asks you to hold the umbrella closer to him. You do…wanting to be kind.

Then the sky becomes clear again. You shut the umbrella lightly and smile as the Sun pops up again. The child and you are getting along nicely with each other… Then you realize that the Sun is becoming way too hot and unbearable…you seek shelter under your dear umbrella again. This time, the boy asks you to let him hold the umbrella saying that he can take care of it too. You give it to him not wanting to hurt him. The boy takes it for granted. Later, when you have walked further, the kid says that the umbrella is his own. He starts throwing tantrums and demands more. When you say that the umbrella is yours and not his, he starts shouting. He unexpectedly becomes very violent and breaks the umbrella. Your favorite umbrella is broken down to pieces in front of your eyes. The kid takes the stick and hits you with it. You are flabbergasted and so shocked that you become numb for a moment. But you choose to stay quiet at the moment. The child walks off, fuming and swearing. You bend down to pick up your broken umbrella with strange feelings…afraid to help even yourself. It begins pouring down heavily right then. You are shocked to think as to what you did to have this happen with you. Pushing these thoughts aside, you repair your umbrella and calm down yourself. Then you move ahead on your own, ok to be alone, trying to forget the nightmarish experience you have had.

And then after some turns ahead, the boy pops up again. he says sorry for everything he has done to you. He is genuinely sorry saying that he had been very stupid to hurt you. He promises not to hurt you ever again. Then he asks you for the umbrella again. You can see that he is very sorry…you forgive him for that. Just then another kid comes running down the road and dashes into him. He swears loudly and shouts at that child. The child runs away frightened. The boy looks back to you and desires to have the umbrella again. You do not wish to give him your umbrella….because you are afraid of it being torn again and more than that, you are afraid of being hit again...he cries when you refuse to give him. He becomes very miserable and cries too bitterly…

What should you do now? Should you stick to your decision or give him the umbrella just because he is crying….when you are thinking this………..your dream breaks…..

What do you think you should do?

P.S: I understand that the above is completely abstract. But this can happen in real life too...with much greater magnitude...Think about it...

What should you do then?

Disha....

I have a friend….

Disha…a nice sweet docile girl…comes from a very cultured and strict family…we have become pretty good friends…college does that to you…you become very good friends with people around you…

Disha is very patient and very hardworking…she has a great sense of responsibility and dedication towards everything she does…and her parents mean the world to her…she aims to complete her education and then join a job and make life happier for her parents…they are a family of modest means…her father’s health is very weak…they live a decent life…but not a luxurious one…and this very thoughtful friend of mine wishes to give all the happiness in the world to her parents…a gem of a daughter for sure…

Her parents mean everything to her…she is ready to do everything for them…she is ready to forget her love for them…

You see, she is in love with a guy…a good cultured person he is…Rahul…he loves her deeply too…they both love to spend time with each other…n would love to spend their lives too..But sadly...they know they can’t…

The Reason…Disha’s parents don’t approve of him...the only reason is that they are not of the same caste…

Disha and Rahul are childhood sweethearts…they liked each other a lot…were great friends and still are…and Disha is such a very caring and sweet girl that he had to fall for her…N when he expressed his love for her for the first time, Disha knew it was true and deep…and she expressed her feelings for him too…but they both very well knew that their caste difference would bring some problems…but they thought that maybe they would sort them out…

Rahul’s parents approve of Disha…they like her serene nature…her blend of modern progressiveness and traditional outlook…well educated…Rahul’s mother had even said that no other girl would be as good as Disha for her son…

But very sadly…Disha’s parents didn’t approve at all…the caste issue matters a lot when it comes to a girl’s family’s reputation…so they have flatly said NO …

After this, you would expect Disha to be all broken apart and in tears…but no…she is really very strong…she must have cried…but she didn’t break apart…she respects her parents way too much to ever hurt them…she knows and understands now that no matter how much she may love Rahul…she won’t be able to spend her life with him…they still meet sometimes…and spend time with each other…but both of them know that they won’t be able to marry each other…

Disha cannot hurt her parents by going against their wish…she spends whatever time she can with Rahul knowing that they will soon be separated…Rahul is also completely aware of all these things…he often prays to God that if they have to be separated, Disha stay happy and protected forever…he has also accepted his defeat after trying to convince Disha’s parents…

People often talk of love…but sometimes I just wonder...people who have not experienced love feel that they have missed out hugely on life and wait to fall in love…but how must it feel to have love in your life and know that you won’t be able to live together…?

Disha loves her parents…she is ready to do all that it takes to make her parents happy…sometimes it makes me wonder…that she is so loving and caring…if they fulfill this one most important wish of hers…she would be grateful to them the whole of her life…she would serve them with even more happiness and contentment…that a daughter deserves this from her parents…that a girl as her surely deserves her love….

Parents love their children deeply...They would love to see their daughter happy...Then the age-old customs also matter a lot for the family reputation…they also have the best interests of the family at large...

Life is indeed strange...Disha is not wrong in her place...and her parents are right in their position...

My heart reaches out to her deeply…Disha has a smile etched on her face …But I wonder how much a smile can hide…?

A page out of Anuj’s Diary

5^th Oct

Had a very pleasant day…

In fact, these days, everything feels pleasant…I feel like a different person…in a different world…everything feels dreamy and enchanting…

I feel like there is someone walking with me…smiling and blushing...and then disappearing in thin air…and when I turn back, I see the same smiling face hiding behind the pillar…looking at me and hiding herself again…I feel so light and thrilled…

When I am sitting in my classes trying to concentrate, she comes from nowhere…comes near me and sits beside me…looks into my eyes lovingly…and just when I am about to say something to her, she vanishes…

When classes get over and I set back for home, the evening breeze brings her fragrance along…it begins to drizzle…I see her face light up in ecstasy…she goes out into open…spreads out her hands and faces the sky….the raindrops falling on her face slide down beautifully…her hair begins to look misty…as she dances in the rain, I feel my heart dance with her…I absent mindedly realize that I am getting wet…but I am simply lost in cherishing her simplicity…her ravishing tenderness…

Then it begins to pour down heavily…she gets completely drenched…looks so sensuous…my heart skips a beat…the cold winds make her shiver slightly…and when I move forward to give her my umbrella…she disappears…and I am left there standing alone in the rains…

On cold mornings, when I go out for a hot cup of coffee, I see her sitting in the coffee shop…the cold has made her cheeks pink…and she looks so very cute in her pink cardigan…her innocence reminds me of a baby…her angelic eyes appeal to my soul…and then the coffee man calls me and the damsel disappears again…

When I am out with my friends, she walks into the room…dressed so beautifully…looking at me…then dropping her gaze…then smiling that very charming smile of hers… (and I feel like I’ll die)…she crosses the room and stands near the window…a sparrow comes near her...and she smiles at it…I arise from my chair intrigued by the sparrow and her…and there…she vanishes yet again…

When I go to the ice cream parlor, I suddenly notice that she is enjoying her cone of chocolate ice cream…she has that naughty gleam in her eyes…she notices me looking at her…she tucks her hair behind her ear…(why does she have to look so beautiful always…sigh!!!)…when I move a step towards her, she goes off again…

When I go to the temple on Sundays, she is there…looking so sweet…in her peacock blue kurti…her head covered…bowed in front of The Lord…her hands folded…she epitomizes serenity and calmness…I stand besides her…I gaze at her for long…her eyes are closed…she looks so pure…I bow down my head and thank God for everything…when I open my eyes after a moment…she is not there (…again)… I look at God…it feels like even he is smiling at me…at my recurrent dreams…

When I listen to music, I see her swaying her head to the rhythm of music…tapping her feet gently…I smile pleasantly looking at her…she blushes…I get up and go near her…bend down on my knees…and stretch my hand towards her…she hesitates first..then slowly places her palm in mine…her face turns pink…I stand up…and take her close to me…she blushes yet again…bewitching my senses…my heart jumps up and down in sheer joy…and like magic…she disappears again…and I realize my hands are in mid-air…I tap my head smiling at myself…

In the starry nights, when I look above from my window, I wonder if she also might be looking at the stars then…when I lie down to sleep, I keep tossing and turning for hours thinking about her…

No matter where I am or what I do, I can always sense her around…she brings happiness to my life…she brings dreams to my eyes…she brings longing for my soul…she brings sweetness along…

May be this is what they call ‘LOVE’……… J

This is my first attempt at poetry. Do tell me how it is....

Expressions of a young girl waiting for love to come in her life...

There is a belief in my heart

There is a hope still strong

That my love will surely come

I've been waiting for so long

Somewhere from a far land

Humming a merry tune

He'll come just for me

His love will be a boon

His eyes will search just me

His heart will beat for me

His soul will long for me

My love will surely come

He'll take me in his arms

He'll hold me so tight

He'll whisper sweet nothings

And make my heart light

Amongst the drizzle and sun

We'll admire the rainbow

Gazing lovingly at each other

My eyes will drop so low

In the starry nights in meadows

When the breeze will blow

We'll hold hands together

Eternal happiness will flow....

A LETTER TO A BROTHER FROM A SISTER

Dear Brother,

I know life is being hard at the moment. There are a number of a things that might be bothering you…All I want to say is that have faith, all this will end too…There are certain things that I ve learnt from life…I wish to share them with you…not like a sermon but rather like an afternoon chat…

Life is strangely familiar and familiarly strange…It’s full of compromises and choices…You don’t get to choose your family or the surroundings in which you were born and grew up…You don’t get to choose your siblings and parents…but you do get to choose your friends…you do get to choose your attitude…you do get to choose the path on which to walk for the rest of life…and most important you do get to choose your attitude towards all that happens with you. Things happen once when they physically take place in reality and over and over again when we think about them in our minds…So it’s best to choose a healthy positive attitude towards all that happens…to find that one good thing even in worst scenarios and focus on that…so that when your mind replays the sequence of events in life, you have a good feeling… that you have learnt from the situations…there is something good in even bad situations no matter how bleak they may seem to be…there is something to be learnt in all the struggles that life gives to us…more often than not, it takes courage to be able to see and sustain that good…it is not possible for the weak hearted…Whenever you feel that life is being very, very unfair to you, remind yourself that someone has already faced that particular situation and come out of it victorious…that someone may be from some other country, some other time, a total stranger…or maybe someone you know, someone close, may be your own friend, your own sibling, your own family…the main point is that you are most probably not alone in facing the blues of life…and in fact, if life ever poses such a unique situation before you which nobody else has ever encountered, what more joy than conquering it for the first time in human history?

There may be times when nobody might believe in you…including your friends, your siblings and your parents…there may be times when the world might challenge your capabilities in a harsh way…the crucial thing which will take you to victory is belief in yourself…no matter what happens, never cease to believe in yourself…Keep the fire of spirit ‘I CAN’ alive in your heart no matter what…because in the end, we all are what we think of ourselves to be….

Amongst the many people in your life, there might be a few who care for you…but fail to understand you…they may not understand your deep emotions, your true grain…learn to live with these people and care for them too…And then, there may be people who understand you…but don’t really love you or care for you…Learn to identify such people and learn from them as much as you can…another important thing, don’t house too many bad feelings for anyone…Life is really too short to waste in hatred…If something disturbs you deeply, instead of letting it turn into despise and hatred, turn that into a fire, a passion to change that…Life is colorless without passion…so have a deep rooted passion…

There will be times when your own friends might turn into foes…so place your trust in people with due care…talk to many, but speak only to a few…and avoid discussing your personal matters with people outside your immediate family and your close group of trusted people…

There are all kinds of people in the world…and each of them can teach you something...Don’t miss the chance to learn from them…Don’t necessarily make them your friends…because not all people deserve your friendship… last of all those who give out negative energy...Stay away from negative influences…but every living being deserves humanity from you…You owe a responsibility to this world of ours…Go out and do some good…Then you can be truly proud of yourself…

Surround yourself with good, happy and motivated people…Surround yourself with great music, great books and great friends…Let your room be filled with books and soft music…Understand that nature is the best soother…and Time the ultimate healer…Give time time…Life is not all bad…in fact for most part its beautiful…and smile is the best ornament that can adorn man…

There are various treasures waiting to be found…there a million pebbles of knowledge on the shore of wisdom…Go ahead and explore them… Believe in life but most importantly, believe in yourself…

And remember this one thing…consider me more as your friend than your elder sister…I believe you have all the abilities to live a very fruitful and enjoyable life...

I have jotted above certain things that have helped me…see if you can use them too…

Take care, my brother…